DECLASSIFIED: Leash Laws

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You can read the original poem here

Dogs do lots of silly, lovable things.

Not included in that list: pooping in your living room, chewing up your shoes, barking at nothing, ‘asserting their dominance’ over your shin and urinating on the things they feel entitled to.

Can you tell I’m a cat-person?

That’s not entirely accurate, actually.

The way I see it, cat people and dog people exist on a continuum. By my estimation: I’m about 65% cat lover, 35% dog lover.

Why do I prefer cats, barring that I grew up with one? Well, for the reason so many find them odious: they don’t care very much.

Cats don’t feel envious when you don’t give them attention.

Cats don’t go wild when they see more cats outside.

Cats don’t get very large or become strong enough to knock you over.

You pet them, they purr. You feed them, they stick around. You bring them outside, they sunbathe.

Life seems simpler for a cat, and maybe the lack of outward affection makes people feel uneasy. When a dog likes you, it’s pretty unambiguous. When a cat likes you, it feels like an accomplishment.

Dogs need more training than cats do. Some find that rewarding, and I think that’s understandable, but it’s not something I need from a pet.

Cats don’t need to learn the rules, they live beyond them.

But at the end of the day, I’ll be sneezing and sniffling regardless of whether the dander comes from a cat or a dog, so the preference means pretty much nothing.

Leash Laws

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A savage wolf’s power,

Is rendered meaningless,

By a retractable red chord,

In the same way,

That a yellow Labrador’s,

Truck-chasing antics,

Are cut short,

By a stiff jerk,

A wag of the finger,

And a stern “no.”

Strength is nothing,

Without a capacity,

For restraint.

Without it,

Barks and bites,

Grow tenfold,

Get old,

And lose effect entirely.