internet

RE: Red Tape

Standard

Dear [POLICY HOLDER 112A-47D43],

As our valued customer, we encourage you to give us your raw unfiltered thoughts regarding our service. But please keep in mind our standards guideline, and to be as polite and favorable to us as possible to us.

As our valued customer, you know about our commitment to freedom of speech and access to information. You are hereby granted free access to our mission statement, press releases and pricing structure whenever you like.

As our valued customer, we want to remind you that we have an upcoming change in our pricing structure. Instead of our previous flat-rate, we have decided on a freedom-enhancing pricing structure that dramatically increases with your use of our service. If you, like 94% of those surveyed in our recent poll of valued customers, were not only overwhelmingly positive but only use 1-3 websites per day, you could save upwards of $5 a month! What a deal!

Here at Liberty Bell, we feel the same way as you, we’re sure. That less freedom, is more freedom! Thank you for your patronage.

Sincerely,

Liberty Bell Telecom

Ransomware

Standard

With one careless,

errant click,

the line I cast

with which to phish

has gotten a bite.

I seemed to be his boss “Theresa” —

but with an “e”

at the end.

He completed his normal routine

without another thought,

like a good worker would,

sent me his credentials —

when I felt the time was right,

I reeled him in.

His company put all their eggs in one basket,

so I decided,

to scramble them.

For a small fee,

I will unencrypt,

What they so graciously

gave me,

at my own discretion.

Phishing is not a contact sport,

it is not fraught with danger,

you can lounge in your robe,

and not leave your seat.

Still,

it’s not for the faint of heart.

What webs we weave,

when we practice to deceive,

but at least there’s some money in it.

Planned Obsolescence

Standard

You can put lipstick on a pig,

but at the end of the day,

the shade may just go out of style,

because of controversey

over animal-testing.

I’m telling you this,

on perhaps the most important invention

of our time,

using architecture and infrastructure,

built by brilliant minds

and billions of tax dollars-

that is being sold back to you monthly,

bundled with cable TV and a landline,

that serve as expensive

background noise,

A smartphone accomplishes all of this,

Just don’t let it shatter, bend or explode.

Cars these days,

are safer than ever before,

because fender-benders,

smash their plastic bumpers,

spiderweb-crack their Plexiglas,

and collapse their every crumple zone,

like an empty tissue box,

to be thrown in the trash,

and left out on the curb every Tuesday.

It’s very hard

To practice what you preach,

When screaming,

“Waste not want not,”

While standing at the summit,

Of your own personal

massive garbage heap.

Heartbleed

Standard

A bait-and-switch,

Give and take,

Fake Out.

I gave the server,

A blank note,

She did a double-take,

And blurted all her client’s

Names out.

That was taboo,

But she never got the memo–

Maybe it was wrong of me,

To do.

It felt a touch exploitative,

Though I assure you,

A hacker never uses

Their sleight-of-hand,

Technical prowess,

And strong communication skills,

for evil,

Unless they feel like it.