A Limited-Time Offer

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Black and white montages

of your every day

average Joe

miserably failing

at mundane tasks.

Cut to open,

blinding white,

well-lit

studio space-

a prophet enters

to offer liberation.

His promises are grand,

his obligations are reasonable,

he tells you

salvation is yours for the taking;

he shows you

the sacred code

to speak with one of his disciples.

They beckon you

to pay your indulgences,

and enter the promised land

of Convenience.

Judgement day is upon us,

the prophet sweetens the deal,

if you are among the first 200

to accept him,

he will give unto you

a sacred chalice

that is impossible to spill

because of its NASA-inspired design,

but the clock is ticking.

You dial the phone,

but the line is busy.

You cannot live a life

of fear and ignorance

anymore.

When the words of the prophet are with you,

who stands against you?

Once more you dial,

and it rings for 3 minutes,

limbo.

Evil will not prevail today,

you tell yourself,

but you’re not so sure.

You walk in the shadow

of the valley of death,

into the kitchen,

where the reception is better.

One ring begets two,

which begets three

and on the fourth,

Hallelujah!

You have been welcomed

to the pearly gates of Convenience,

where every widget

is yours to order,

for 5 easy payments

of $19.99.

The angel on the other side

Is pleased to inform you,

that you are the 156th caller,

you have earned a sacred chalice

of your own,

what a steal!

RE: Red Tape

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Dear [POLICY HOLDER 112A-47D43],

As our valued customer, we encourage you to give us your raw unfiltered thoughts regarding our service. But please keep in mind our standards guideline, and to be as polite and favorable to us as possible to us.

As our valued customer, you know about our commitment to freedom of speech and access to information. You are hereby granted free access to our mission statement, press releases and pricing structure whenever you like.

As our valued customer, we want to remind you that we have an upcoming change in our pricing structure. Instead of our previous flat-rate, we have decided on a freedom-enhancing pricing structure that dramatically increases with your use of our service. If you, like 94% of those surveyed in our recent poll of valued customers, were not only overwhelmingly positive but only use 1-3 websites per day, you could save upwards of $5 a month! What a deal!

Here at Liberty Bell, we feel the same way as you, we’re sure. That less freedom, is more freedom! Thank you for your patronage.

Sincerely,

Liberty Bell Telecom

Planned Obsolescence

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You can put lipstick on a pig,

but at the end of the day,

the shade may just go out of style,

because of controversey

over animal-testing.

I’m telling you this,

on perhaps the most important invention

of our time,

using architecture and infrastructure,

built by brilliant minds

and billions of tax dollars-

that is being sold back to you monthly,

bundled with cable TV and a landline,

that serve as expensive

background noise,

A smartphone accomplishes all of this,

Just don’t let it shatter, bend or explode.

Cars these days,

are safer than ever before,

because fender-benders,

smash their plastic bumpers,

spiderweb-crack their Plexiglas,

and collapse their every crumple zone,

like an empty tissue box,

to be thrown in the trash,

and left out on the curb every Tuesday.

It’s very hard

To practice what you preach,

When screaming,

“Waste not want not,”

While standing at the summit,

Of your own personal

massive garbage heap.

Dark was the Night, Cold was the Ground

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Maybe some day,

The whole world will know my name,

Hang on my every word,

Hum, clap, dance and nod to my songs,

But tonight, I just strum on my cigar box.

Maybe some day,

I’ll travel all over Texas,

Or leave this state,

On a cross-country tour,

Cap it all off with a worldwide voyage,

But tonight, for anyone in earshot, I’ll just strum on my cigar box.

Maybe some day,

I’ll be all over the radio,

The stars themselves would dance,

Because I’ve gone platinum,

Hell, I’d settle for gold,

But tonight, for anyone who’ll stick around, I’ll just strum on my cigar box.

Maybe You Were Right

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Doubt,

Seeps in,

Through the tiniest crack,

And contaminates everything.

It shrivels up,

Whatever it’s touched-

Leaving behind stains,

And an awful smell.

What can rejuvenate,

What it has poisoned?

Only trust does that.

Swallow your pride,

Say begrudgingly,

“Maybe you were right,”

I guess.

But be preemptive,

Plug the holes first,

So it can’t percolate.